Everyone is aware of the strong black woman troupe that plagues the community like a relentless gnat at the proverbial barbecue.  Many black women, myself included, have made it a point to actively work against this narrative to change the perception of us as a collective.  Despite so many people joining the fight against— this idea, it looms heavily specifically when it comes to black mothers.

 I couldn't tell you how many times I’ve heard someone tell me how strong I am, how proud they are that I handle everything that life throws at me in stride. They think that this is a compliment and the highest badge of honor, and they say it freely...  Unfortunately, they don’t see the weight that it can add to a set of already weary shoulders. Personally, it made me feel like I couldn’t show signs of distress. I had to keep it to myself and hold everything together. (This was a concept I was very familiar with due to trauma I had no clue even existed at the time.)  Being a mother of two it seems natural to just simply get things done because… well, I had no other option.  Sick, tired, or otherwise, the house needed cleaning, the kids had to eat and I had to work.  The world doesn’t stop. Sadly, I didn’t realize what was happening.  I did notice that there was a disconnect; that’s part of the ebb and flow of life, right?  It felt as though I was on autopilot. I had no genuine interest in anything, was too tired to socialize and just generally felt defeated daily.  Personally, knowing that I had dealt with depressive episodes before, I assumed that the feeling would pass and I would bounce back as I always had.  I couldn't have been more wrong. It only got worse as years passed. Yes, I said YEARS.

 I felt there was no real reason for me to feel the way I did.  I figured because everything was fine,   I should be grateful.  I had happy, healthy, and very active children. I was having consistent growth in my career and we lived comfortably. Knowing the facts and still having these thoughts only made it worse, and I just continued silently spiraling. Knowing the signs and symptoms may help you catch something that I missed. All of the symptoms were present whether constant or intermittently. I was depressed; High functioning and very depressed. I didn’t take heed to what was happening because I was focused on doing these necessary things, pretending I wanted to be in places I felt obligated to be, and didn’t appear to be depressed on the outside as far as everyone else was concerned. I was adulting ever so efficiently.

Now that mental health awareness is more prevalent you would think that we would do away with the idea that depression has a certain appearance.   Mental Health Professionals say that “high functioning depression” is not a real diagnosis and caution against using the term.   Black mothers—specifically, seem to know how real the experience can be despite what may be “clinically” correct.

Scientifically speaking this phenomenon can be referred to as PDD: persistent depressive disorder.  Symptoms may not be obvious at the onset so here are some things you should look out for:

1. Feeling blue more frequently than usual.

   We all have our moments. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional slump but if it lasts longer than 2 weeks that may be cause for concern. Stay in tune with yourself.

2. Loss of interest in daily activities, avoidance of social activities, tiredness and lack of energy.

   The need to isolate may be an indication that it’s more than a mild funk. Take note if you are sleeping more than usual and just constantly feeling exhausted. If no amount of sleep or rest helps to alleviate this feeling there may be more to the story.

3. Increased negative self-talk, self-criticism, or persistent feelings of failure.

   When your internal voice turns against you please take notice. If you feel nothing you do is good enough, no one loves you and you are constantly beating yourself up that may be something to look out for because it may continue to escalate.

4. Trouble focusing clearly and trouble making decisions.( This is a tricky one!)

   Brain fog that never seems to clear is never a good sign. It can be difficult to decide if it’s worth noting if you are someone like myself with ADHD who struggles with these seemingly basic tasks almost every day.

5. Being snappy or irritable.

   Does any and everything people do drive you insane? Are you biting people’s heads off unjustly for small things that shouldn’t warrant this type of reaction? This in combination with the above things calls for a serious self-check.

   I want you to know that depression is depression no matter how it looks on the outside. Some people are better equipped to cope but there is no substitute for seeking support. You never know how you will respond if these symptoms persist. Do what you feel you need whether that’s taking a holistic route or getting professional help, just do something.

   You’ll be glad you did.