My Villain Origin Story: Mental Illness Doesn’t Show Up Overnight.

I'm so happy to feel the creative juices flowing and thriving in each cell of my body.

I am back! ( Sort of… lol)

 This one is personal so please bear with me.

The things that I have experienced over the last few years have created a need to share to space with people who understand my plight.  I am a co-parenting (not single because my kids have very active fathers) black mother fighting for my life.  Who or what am I fighting you may ask?  That would be me: me, myself & I. The internal battle is ongoing because I have various mental health concerns. 

I am one of many black women and women in general who were diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Undiagnosed ADHD that may have triggered the development of anxiety combined with a family history of depression is a cocktail I've learned has impacted so many women, specifically black women because our symptoms are overlooked.  This discovery was the first piece of my "what the hell is wrong with me" puzzle. After my therapist mentioned it I dove head first into a hyper-fixated research fury and was eventually evaluated. Talk about an Aha! Moment. Things started to make sense.  Following that diagnosis, things took a turn for the worse before they started to get better.  I'm certainly going to give you all the tea on that but let's take it back to the start.

The innocence of children is unmatched. I love that for me..

I am sad to say that I do not remember much from my childhood. It always bothered me but now I understand. I can't recall many birthdays or specific holidays or many emotions outside of anxiousness and wanting to disappear.

I grew up in Sacramento California and by most standards had a good childhood. I was a star student who loved learning (but was constantly told I talked too much in class), active in extracurricular activities, and creative.  I was viewed by others as outgoing and the proverbial "social butterfly".  I didn’t care for that term but everyone insisted instead of listening. I believe that I'm just dimensional which makes me relatable to a variety of people.  I was never the popular kid. I had a core group of friends and that was it. What everyone around me failed to realize is that I was a very anxious child.  I worried constantly about doing the right things, not being a disappointment, messing up in school, my appearance, and how I was being perceived in the world.  I was constantly on edge.  I never felt as though I had room to explore the things that I loved because criticism and the possibility of rejection consumed me.   I developed this idea that I was never going to be good at anything because my interests were constantly changing. I enjoyed trying new things but would quickly move on once I lost interest.  Thanks ADHD! However,  I loved to read, I was obsessed with things that were spiritual and supernatural. I was just drawn to it.  I bought my first tarot deck around 12 only to later find that my mother was not having it and made me get rid of it and told me I was watching too much Charmed. I always have my nose buried in the latest J-14 horoscope and would hang out in the spirituality aisle at Borders (yes, I said BORDERS) whenever I could.

I loved poems and writing songs with my best friend. I vividly remember how excited I was when we bought matching songwriters journals from the schoolbook fair. I've always been drawn to all genres of music. Music was how I expressed emotion. I would find a song that made me feel something and I would cling to it. I took piano lessons for a few months and then quit .( In hindsight it wasn't an environment that matched my spirit and my parents deemed it an inconvenience and a favor for me to have the opportunity at all. So that dream was cut short because I seemed "bored". That was discouraging and I dropped the idea entirely.  In hindsight, a different approach may have kept me interested but with no knowledge of the root cause how could anyone know better? I would practice singing in my room and put on pretend performances like most millennials. That was truly my happy place.  These things were fundamentally a part of who I was (and still am) at my core. I know this because they remained constant no matter the circumstance.  They were my safe place to seek refuge from the volatility around me. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of these building blocks and stopped doing things that brought me joy.

Fast forward to my 30's and London Bridge is indeed falling. The older I got the more anxious I became, constantly felt inadequate and out of place. Self-sabotage was rampant despite ambition. As you can imagine this is not an ideal match and a recipe for an internal disaster.

Something seemed to be nagging at me and I was so unhappy I started thinking it was something deeper. When I opted for therapy in 2018 things began to become clear.  I never thought of my childhood as traumatic.  Trauma to me was directly linked to abuse, whether physical or sexual, neglect, death of close family members, being raised in a less than favorable environment… you know" big" stuff.  It was then that I learned that trauma can be caused by a recurrence of seeming "small" things that simply make you feel unsafe. It could be pressure or stifling of your true self or desires, and most importantly being in a space of emotional confusion, volatility, or unavailability that can cause trauma.

It was then that started to connect the dots.  My nervous system is wired all wrong! I failed to advocate for myself and express my needs because I felt that they didn't matter.   I felt as though I would not be heard because someone else was always right. I would hide because attention meant that I was susceptible to volatility. I never knew what to expect and that meant if I'm out of the way, I'm safe.  I was berated and shamed for being selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful when I did speak up for myself. I was unknowingly conditioned to be a people pleaser because that kept me emotionally safe.  I thought that if I said nothing  I couldn't fuel the fire but even that was perceived as being nonchalant and not caring about those around me. When I was afraid to pursue something I loved because I was afraid of failing I was labeled unwilling to try.  Now I understand that rejection sensitivity( an ADHD characteristic) played a huge part in preventing me from doing things in addition to emotionally immature environment that surrounded me.  I was often told that I was in a safe space but the actions and emotions I would experience did not send that same message.

I received so many conflicting messages that distrust was inevitable.  All of this followed me into my adult life. People constantly tell me that I'm brilliant, bright, intelligent, capable, beautiful, etc. I immediately shut it down and changed the subject.  If I don’t shine I can't disappoint or be a target.

It's an uncomfortable way to exist. Limiting beyond belief and so mentally heavy.

I walked through the majority of my adult life hiding and internally screaming because of trauma I didn't know existed. Neurodivergence that didn’t exist in the eyes of my parents impacted every aspect of who I am and caused me to feel broken and undeserving. People pleasing, self-loathing, and striving for perfection caused me to crash and burn under the pressure of trying to be a good daughter, friend, partner, and mother. Notice how I'm nowhere to be found in the statement. I was not a priority.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not pointing fingers. This is no one's fault but it is my story from my perspective. I've accepted it. When we know better we do better and that's why I'm here.

I've said all of that to arrive at this point: I've relinquished my cape.  I am no longer superwoman nor do I want to be.  I want to be ME first and tend to everyone else after. I want to be effortlessly joyful and I don't mind doing the work. I want to create and share space with women who share and understand my experience; trade notes and support each other as we continue to learn and grow how to be the best woman, parent, co-parent, partner & sister fiend we can be while managing our mental space to the very best of our ability.

 My vision is so clear. I want to create the space and resources that I wish I had in my darkest hour.

I'm so glad you're here with me.

-C